im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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