Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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