I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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