Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
did i just pee glitter
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
