4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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