I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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