Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Randomize
