I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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