i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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