We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
