so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
