Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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