U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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