i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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