mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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