K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
