That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
