Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
