as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
im on a boat
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