You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
