You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
