I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
