Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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