It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
