I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
