just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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