That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
