I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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