This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
