Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
we're so committed to being not committed
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
