When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
third nipple confirmed
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
