at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
