I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
