I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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