my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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