I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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