Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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