I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
