I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
