i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
