I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
