Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
