Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Even my vagina gasped.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i think im in europe. pls send help
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
