I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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