I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Randomize