One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
