did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
