im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize