How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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