and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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