Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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