I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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