Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So many bounce houses so little time
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize