I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
