i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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