have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
