I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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