Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
