I murdered the dance floor call the cops
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
