Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
