We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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