i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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