I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize